“Delight
thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit
thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.”
-Psalm 37:3-4
After dinner a few nights ago our daughter carefully ushered my husband to the couch with a sly smile. He knew she wanted to watch the homesteading dvd we had been saving, but she had been told not to ask about it. So, instead, in the nature of the serpent himself, she said, "Are you going to go sit on the couch, Daddy? I think that's a good idea." After he retired to the living room, she hunted down the tv controllers and asked, "Do you need these, Daddy?" He answered, "No, I don't think I need those." She then placed them on the arm of the chair beside him and said, "Well, I'll just put them right here...even though we're not doing anything...just in case." The blatant manipulation was shocking and truly truly wicked.
When we first began this adoption pursuit, our faith was shamefully small. We weren’t sure what to believe in, but our own zeal. We eagerly “left our options open”, giving God a nice wide range of ages, genders, group sizes, and states to choose from. Our caseworker introduced herself, talked with our daughter for 5 minutes, then made an immediate judgment, “I’m going to find you a small sibling group…young children…under school age…”. My husband and I were taken aback by her precision. We quickly argued, “Oh no, we’ll take any age, any gender…we’ll take singles, large sibling groups… any combination of children… we’ll go to any state to get them...we just don’t know what God has for us!” We thought we were acting in faith by submitting to the unknown. Noble, I suppose, but foolish just the same. When friends and family suggested a narrow focus, we insisted that we wanted to be open to anything. When we felt a tugging in a certain direction, we saw it as clashing with our idealistic desire to be dead to a personal preference. We were determined to be available for God’s will, no matter what it was, “just in case” that’s what He wanted for us. We were enthusiastic, but aimless. When we felt a no, we returned it with a, "okay, but I'll just put these kids right here next to you...just in case." And with all eagerness to avoid our own will, we followed a selfish desire nonetheless…a desire to “be ready for everything”…without allowing God to prepare us for anything. And He let us flounder in that for a while.
When we first began this adoption pursuit, our faith was shamefully small. We weren’t sure what to believe in, but our own zeal. We eagerly “left our options open”, giving God a nice wide range of ages, genders, group sizes, and states to choose from. Our caseworker introduced herself, talked with our daughter for 5 minutes, then made an immediate judgment, “I’m going to find you a small sibling group…young children…under school age…”. My husband and I were taken aback by her precision. We quickly argued, “Oh no, we’ll take any age, any gender…we’ll take singles, large sibling groups… any combination of children… we’ll go to any state to get them...we just don’t know what God has for us!” We thought we were acting in faith by submitting to the unknown. Noble, I suppose, but foolish just the same. When friends and family suggested a narrow focus, we insisted that we wanted to be open to anything. When we felt a tugging in a certain direction, we saw it as clashing with our idealistic desire to be dead to a personal preference. We were determined to be available for God’s will, no matter what it was, “just in case” that’s what He wanted for us. We were enthusiastic, but aimless. When we felt a no, we returned it with a, "okay, but I'll just put these kids right here next to you...just in case." And with all eagerness to avoid our own will, we followed a selfish desire nonetheless…a desire to “be ready for everything”…without allowing God to prepare us for anything. And He let us flounder in that for a while.
Hindsight is always 20/20 and how foolish and shameful it seems now to
think God would need a “just in case”. How wicked we were to think God needed our intrusive suggestions. How clever the devil was to use fear to fuel
our directionless approach. We didn’t
want to open any doors or peek down any corridors God hadn’t sanctioned, and so
we buzzed in circles until the lesson was learned. We had no business trying to add extra lanes on this highway, we were to follow the Lord's way. We were commanded to "Commit thy way". Which way, Lord? Please
show us which way, and we will commit. Give us a desire, a direction, and we
will go, show us the way and we will trust in You.
For 16 months we insisted on trusting in a god who we were sure would
keep us on our toes, come out of left field, or drop a surprise in our lap, rather than a God who promises to lovingly lead us by the
hand. How patient our Lord is with our foolishness. How sinful it was to have an evil heart of unbelief, to think God needed our suggestions, our assumptions, our plans. And yet, in His mercy, he has taken this time of waiting and wandering to reveal His true character and show us what submission really looks like. How plainly we see it now. Did the Lord tell Noah, "Start building an ark... but be ready just in case you are to lead a people through the wilderness, endure imprisonment, suffer a martyr's death, face Goliath, spend some time in the belly of a fish, lead a battle, face a famine, or rule as king? No. He told Noah to build a boat...and the Lord filled it.
So, when the world expects us to broaden are parameters,
God has called us to narrow our aim. He has changed our hearts and directed our
path. Our Mighty Father has taken our enthusiasm
and given us a new and entirely unexpected desire: a small sibling group –young children -under school
age -in Texas. We stand in awe at the boldness
expected of us. We know it is a very small
target…only a Wondrous God can hit.
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