Everyone warns about the waiting...they ask about the waiting, they try to comfort and encourage us as we wait...but, really the waiting hasn't been a burden for us at all. The true hardship has been the wondering. Wondering what is taking so long, wondering where our children are now, wondering if they are hurting, wondering how long it will be before we can meet them, wondering who God has for us...And the danger with wondering is, it often leads to worry.
Sunday: Months of stories, testimonies, and warnings about "those foster kids" caught up to me. I was overwhelmed, discouraged, and unsure about the will of God. Some (not all....it just feels like most) of the profiles on these kids are terrifying....."tendency to set fires"...."not safe around small pets"..."is learning personal boundaries"...."aggressive toward authority"..... I panicked about the possibilities (worst case scenario) and was sure all foster kids were undisciplined terrorists. Why would God get us this far and leave us on this scary road alone?? Are we really supposed to be adopting??? My husband calmly reassured me and went to bed.
In Joshua 1:5 God's promises, "I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." I just kept clinging to that promise. We didn’t have a caseworker yet, and the whole process seemed so bleak, but at least I knew God would not forsake or fail us.
But, still I needed reassurance. I needed peace and I asked God to show me that this will all be worth it...that we really can be a blessing to someone (or multiple someones) and we're not risking our safety or sanity. I asked Him to show me that there are kids out there that he has divinely appointed for our family.
I pulled up a search on our state’s database and came across a new sibling group. The opening description on their profile reads: “Here are some children who truly love God. They are looking for a Christian family who is involved in church…” My hands started shaking as I read through their profile and completely fell in love with them. God poured hope back into every part of me. There was light where there had been darkness. I woke my husband up at midnight and poured my heart out. We snuck in the second bedroom (careful not to wake our daughter) to measure the square footage and determined that we could fit another bed in there (we had only planned for 2 boys and girl…but this sibling group was 2 girls and a boy, so we were trying to make it work). We made plans to build a loft bed and rearrange everything. We talked about how their profiles seemed to be written specifically for our family. We tried not to get too excited. We prayed that God’s will be done and we went to sleep.
Monday: Still without a caseworker and clueless to how the actual process worked, we submitted an inquiry online and naively believed that we matched so well with those kids, they couldn’t help but place them with us. I went off to the church to do some painting and couldn’t help telling everyone I saw about “our kids” and the hope God had restored. As I went through the day I envisioned “our kids” with us and how they would enjoy this thing or that. I thought about school arrangement, age gaps, sibling bonding and other anticipated transitions like they were already on their way. But, the Bible says “imaginations are vain” and this is why:
Tuesday: We heard back from the children’s case coordinator: “Your caseworker needs to submit an inquiry on your behalf. However, we are no longer accepting inquiries for these children due to the number of case studies already received.” That was heartbreaking. I was ashamed that I had allowed myself to get so emotionally invested in an unknown. I wept and asked the Lord to forgive my arrogant assumptions and conditional faith. I officially submitted to His will… in His time….and let go of my vain imaginations about “our kids.” The department head we are in contact with said they close submission when they get around 50 inquiries ( from all over Texas). We are hopeful there are that many Christian families in the system with honorable intentions, but it’s not something we have seen locally.
Wednesday: I worked on a painting for a friend that included the scripture: “Except the Lord buildeth the house, they labour in vain that build it.” (Psalm 127:1) and I thought, We are laboring in vain. We need to le the Lord build this house (family). My husband reminded me that God’s bigger than CPS and bigger than disappointment and He is not done working here. We tried to regain focus decided to go ahead and build the bed, figuring God must have had a purpose behind prompting us to remeasure the bedrooms at 2am to discover we had room for one more child (and multiple gender combinations we didn’t think we could manage). Maybe God needs us to be ready for 4 kids instead of 3? Or maybe He just needs us to be flexible? We praised God for his faithfulness and prayed for a caseworker.
Thursday: We received an email from the department head notifying us that we have been assigned to a caseworker.….(almost 9 months after we began this process). AMEN. He gave us her name and her supervisor’s name. He also apologized for the delay (there are vacancies in the department and they are scrambling to reassign everyone) and said we should hear from her soon.
Friday: I updated everyone in Bible study about this week’s events and braced myself for the wonders God will work in the weeks ahead.
*Art by: GratitudeJewelry (click photo for shop info)
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